High Low Buffalo
Why small talk doesn’t have to be superficial – it can be a way to truly connect.
Intro
The other day, I was standing in the office kitchen at the end of my workday when a colleague asked me, “How was your day?” My answer came almost reflexively, as if I had it ready: “Pretty good. Lots to do.” It wasn’t until I was on my way home that I realized my answer revealed nothing and essentially blocked any further conversation. I thought about how it feels when I try to strike up a conversation with someone at events or company parties, only to get that kind of response. The conversation ends politely before it has even begun.
This is exactly where High Low Buffalo can help.
What Science Says
Unfortunately, this is how small talk often plays out for many of us. While it avoids friction, it also avoids intimacy; it remains safe but also empty. Topics often include the weather, work, and traffic – topics that don’t hurt anyone but also don’t touch anyone. Meanwhile, the purpose of small talk is different. We want connection, but without drama, without feeling overwhelmed, and without being on a big stage.
Scientific studies confirm this. A 1984 study already showed that people perceive conversation partners as less attractive, understandable, and engaging when they respond with shallow content and lack emotional depth. Research on relationships has found that closeness arises from shared meaning rather than perfect answers. Several studies have shown that, in conversations, sharing personal – but measured – information can promote trust and increase emotional security. It’s not depth alone that is decisive, but structure. What do I share? And in what context? Communication without resonance quickly seems disinterested or distant, even if it is polite.
Open communication can also benefit you personally. Research in narrative psychology and expressive writing shows that placing experiences within a larger story – whether personal, value-based, or faith-centered – can reduce stress and strengthen resilience. Another effect is a change in perspective. People who evaluate their day (“good” or “bad”) and view it in a structured way can integrate contradictions. Highs and lows can coexist. From a psychological point of view, this promotes coherence, the feeling that experiences make sense even if they are ambivalent.
Small Change
High Low Buffalo embodies all of this at its core. So why not use it when it’s so easy? The next time you’re making small talk, replace the usual pleasantries with three short questions – for yourself or your conversation partner:
High: What went well today?
Low: What was difficult?
Buffalo: What was unexpected?
This exercise takes no more than 30 seconds to two minutes. However, it is surprisingly effective. And it encourages honesty without forcing intimacy.
Compounding Effect
Over time, this will lead to more meaningful conversations that aren’t overwhelming. People will listen more attentively to you because they know what to expect. In addition, scientific research has shown that regular meaningful conversations have a stress-regulating effect. Positive social interactions have been proven to lower cortisol levels and support emotional regulation. Communication becomes an everyday factor for well-being.
This approach will also change your communication patterns, enabling you to establish closeness with others without overwhelming them. Your small talk will improve. Your polite exchanges will become human connections. Trust is built not through revelations, but through reliability in communication.
Let’s try it!
Looking back on my response to my colleague the other day, I regret not communicating in a more open-minded way. It wouldn’t have taken much effort, just a different approach and a more honest reflection.
“My high was…, my low was…, and what surprised me was…” Try it out at dinner, during your next meeting check-in, or on your next phone call. It’s not just to optimize your conversations, it’s to bring them back to life – for you and your conversation partners.
During your conversations don’t forget that a simple smile can transform your interactions. In addition, learn here why a pause has a clearer effect than any filler word and why unclear statements lead to very clear misunderstandings and how to avoid it.
For a deeper insight:
Pennebaker, J. W. (2018). Expressive Writing in Psychological Science.
Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process.
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